I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize