i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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