vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
