I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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