Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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