She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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