I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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