Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Acid is not a monday night drug
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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