I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
