We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
