I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize