If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
