when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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