I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Randomize