dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
