How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
