we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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