Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
