Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
