You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
