Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
no, he came in my armpit
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
