this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
