He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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