Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
