i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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