the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
