Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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