Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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