Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
