good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
