Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
