I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
