Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
