what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
