Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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