Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
