He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
