I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
