Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
