1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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