my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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