You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
