i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
