Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
