i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm passing your future prison.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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