Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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