I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My penis needs a shock collar
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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