Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
