Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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