My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
