she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
