once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This is my gift to your gina
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
