im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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