I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize