I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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